How To Have A Healthy Marriage After Kids

We are both imperfect, but we are perfect for each other.

Can everyone agree that marriage is completely different when it comes to having children? When it’s just you and your spouse there’s no expectations on who should do what with which child. Luxury of being able to go out with friends every weekend, saving buku (a lot) money, eating out, and going on vacations together alone. After having a child your expectations of your partner changes. You expect him to help with night time feedings and he expect you to do it alone so he can sleep for work. Then, all these expectations of each other starts to cause tension in your marriage. If you never had a disagreement about changing diapers, feedings, who’s watching them, then consider yourself luckyyyy or in denial.

Since having my oldest son, I have had my up and downs on how to make this marriage better and to love harder. Then there were times I thought I was going to be on the newest episode of Snapped. We have come very far from our “first child chronicles” and I thought I would share what has helped us along the way.

Communication

To be completely honest with you, I used to hate communicating when there was a problem. Like, can we just forget about it and not mention it anymore? Just pretending it never happened and go on our way. Or how I would shut down refusing to speak to each other like 8-year-old cousins. I can say this, my husband has always been very patient with me when it came to this. I just wanted him to know what it was bothering me without me saying it. Makes sense? No… 

Here’s what we started doing — Communicating effectively with my spouse. Voicing our concerns just as you do when you say I love you. No one knows what each of you are thinking or how you may feel. No matter how long you guys “known” each other, there is not a special button for that.

Another wonderful way we were able to find different ways to communicate is through the military. The military have marriage retreats where you can spend a few days in a hotel with childcare for free. Then, a chaplain (a military priest) speaks to you about how you can strengthen your marriage. He mentioned how you can communicate where your partner won’t feel so attacked. You know when you’re upset about something the way you address it isn’t as friendly. So what he explained to us was using the sentence “I feel this _____ when you _____.” Instead of “You are so lazy, can you clean the house?” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed when you have not started the dishes every night and I have to do it after work.” See how that made the conversation turn from worse to better.

Also, go seek a marriage counselor to learn different strategies on many aspects of your marriage. I’m not sure why so many married couples frown on counseling. Counseling does not always mean there’s a problem, it could be a way for both to find a middle ground.

Compromise

Compromising is saying we don’t agree, but I love you enough to meet in the middle without an argument. It’s not about who won or lost in a disagreement. When you think about it we all come from different parts of the world. I had to changed the way I viewed compromise in a marriage. You do not necessary have to sacrifice your personal preferences, however having an open mind helps you both lead to a solution better. This helps both spouses be happy with their decisions together.

Something to think about is that some couples do not have the same beliefs or backgrounds. So 7/10 we are not going to think the same as one another. You learn to love each other through your differences and work as a team.

Have Sex

This is as simple as it gets. I don’t care how you do it or when you do it, just DO IT! When you put something special on for your partner and you feel extra good about yourself, that is my jam! Butter your partner up throughout the day. Send those flirty texts while he/she at work or home. Slap her butt while she’s cooking dinner. Telling her she is beautiful at random times. Show your appreciation to each other all day so at night you both are hot & ready! 😉

Sex is a great way to relax, to build that connection with your man/woman, and boosting up your confidence. It makes you feel wanted and loved. While it is not what a marriage is all about, it does take a huge part it in.

Forgiveness

“Marriage is two people constantly forgiving each other over and over.” That statement is so true! Steve Harvey said it best “At this point I just be saying sorry, I don’t even be knowing what the hell I did!”

Now I hate admitting I’m wrong, and that’s something I had to work within myself at the beginning of my marriage. I’ve talked to friends that have over 15 years of marriage and they all say forgiveness is a huge step into a healthy marriage. We all done something they may not have liked or always agreed with us on, but they forgave us and loved us anyways.

I would add that whatever you feel is worth forgiving is something you have to know yourself.

Date nights are important

Enjoy each other’s company without the children. It doesn’t have to be away from home or expensive at all. Spending time together binge watching your favorite tv show or eat a dessert in absolute peace can be a date night in your house. There’s sometimes we put the children in bed and went downstairs to enjoy each other. We barely get date nights outside of the home due to being so far from family or friends we trust. We learned that once we started doing what we felt was best for us in our marriage, it was extremely beneficial. The way someone does their date nights does not mean it’s the way you guys should do it. For us, saving money and being in the comfort of our own home is my thangggg. Do you boo-boo!

Finances

Researchers says that couples argue the most about finances in the home. I firmly believe when it comes to who are making the financial decisions, it should be both spouses. Every big purchase would need to be done completely together. This means purchasing cars, motorcycle, extensive shopping spree, or whatever!  We both have our own account, a joint account, and savings. I’m telling you, to avoid any financial disagreements it’s better to be on the same page. This is where everything comes together from communication to compromise, You may feel as if this purchase would help your family, while your spouse says logically it doesn’t.

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Fun fact: At one point, I went to college to be a marriage counselor.
Obviously it is ultimately whatever you both agree on that is better for your family. This is strictly what I have learned and is still learning what ways I can better myself and my marriage.
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Love,

4 Comments

  1. Kendra

    October 15, 2018 at 2:08 PM

    I love these tips. Practical and just the reminder we all need when we get bogged down by life after kids. I LOVE that the military sends you away for a weekend. Reconnecting without kiddos is so important! Blessings to you!

    1. mamavfiveplusme

      October 15, 2018 at 2:58 PM

      Hey Kendra!

      I’m so glad you love them! & we absolutely love the marriage retreats by the military! Thank you for the much needed blessings! Sending them right back to you. (:

      MamaV.

  2. jodi @ Wealthy N Wise

    October 18, 2018 at 9:59 AM

    Mama V.
    These are great tips. A few months ago I posted about how HUSBANDS SPECIFICALLY, tend to get disconnected after babies are born. We mamas often don’t realize how we’ve allowed the love our little ones give us to replace the love our husband once gave us! Being intentional about focusing on each other is soo important. Thanks for this great article!

    1. mamavfiveplusme

      October 18, 2018 at 10:12 AM

      Jodi,

      That is so true! Trying to find that balance between mom and wife can be challenging after birth.
      Thank you for reading!!

      Mama V.

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